We sat on the edge of the bed, and I couldn’t help but flash back to when my ex-husband-to-be sat in a similar way to end our engagement and my heart sank into the pit of my ass. “I don’t want to end this, I’m going to start with that, but something needs to change — you aren’t yourself and you aren’t who I fell in love with.”
These words hurt, but mostly because I fully agreed with him. After my abortion I had bouts of regrets and mild depression. Even though I know it was the right thing to do at the time, there is a huge part of me that wants a family and I can’t help but think I selfishly gave that up.
But I knew that. I knew what I was giving up and although I still believe I. made the right choice the depression has hit me differently. There are a lot of hormonal changes that I didn’t think about a lot of mental work that has to be done to heal from this.
Boyfriend, A, has been nothing but supportive and although he is a highly sensitive person himself, he recognizes that I am going through something that I cannot control.
Fast forward a month or two and a million tears later and I realized the best way to get back to myself is to do what I love to do. Even if that means taking a step back from my relationship and putting myself first all over again. That doesn’t mean giving up my relationship, but I have realized that I have made him my life instead of making him a part of my life and that’s neither healthy or OK.
So what did I change? I went from seeing him 5–6 times a week to seeing him half as much. I picked up pilates (ouch) and aerial yoga to fill my time. I started working more on my side hustle to make it better and opting to cook from home instead of meeting him for lunch and dinner nearly every day. Basically I went back to the busy bee that I was when we met and allowed him to chase me again.
We never really think about the way men love the chase, they want to miss us. So I did just that. By putting myself first I allow for him to miss me.
I let a month go by without actually bringing up the changes I’m making in myself and he looked at me at dinner to tell me he sees the changes I’m making but wishes I would be around more. Which is exactly what they say men need… to miss you. He missed me.
But I’m happier, I’m healthier, I’m also a little bit hotter — so it all works out for me.