This week, I’ll actually be addressing two different questions that I think originate from the very same place: the tendency of many Autistic & otherwise marginalized folks to downplay what we want, and fixate excessively on the impressions of other people.
Our first letter comes from a lesbian in her early twenties, who wonders why nobody has ever flirted with her or kissed her:
Thank you for your question, Anon. Yours is a problem that I have heard many queer people describe having, particularly women who are attracted to women, particularly neurodivergent ones, and among those groups I’ve noticed that there are certain dynamics that recurrently play out. So I’ll happily share some of my thoughts and advice — with the huge caveats that as a gay man and a slut, I have not lived your experience. I hope that readers with more relevant experience can weigh in in the comments.
I notice that in your question, Anon, you describe yourself and your relationship to attraction in terms of things happening to you, or you receiving certain kinds of attention. Or rather, you frame your primary problem as being one of you not drawing in the kinds of contact and interest you want.
You probably feel pretty disempowered, if that is your thinking. You’ve probably been thrusting yourself out into queer spaces and events, making all kinds of lesbian and bi women friends, but no matter how hard you try to take hold of the opportunity and offer yourself up to the sexual marketplace, it seems like nobody’s buying.
Under this point of view (which is a very common one for queer women to have, because they have been denied sexual agency all of their lives!) sexual interest…