When we were courting, things were peaceful. We understood each other perfectly. We knew that everything we did was toward our future. “It’s us against the world,” we would say. We discussed ideas and made decisions for our lives together. There were no third parties in our relationship. Even when we had problems, we resolved them between us. Nobody heard about our issues. At least, that’s what I believed.
It was when we were sure that we were ready to get married that we involved our relatives in the relationship. I don’t know if I saw the red flags from there and ignored them or if I was so caught up in the joy of marrying the love of my life that I ended up seeing those red flags as green flags.
By the grace of God, we have been married for two years now. And God has blessed us with a beautiful daughter. This is something we have dreamed of and prayed for, but now that it’s a reality, I don’t feel happy. What I feel in this marriage is the feeling that I don’t belong. This is because of my wife’s relationship with her mother.
At first, the mother-daughter bond they share seemed beautiful. But now that I am married to her, I must say that it’s quite an unhealthy attachment they have for each other. I say this because my wife prioritizes her mother over me, in every aspect of her life. When her mother visits at home, I cease to exist to her.
This may sound crazy but whenever she leaves the house to go and visit her mother, I get this strong feeling of insecurity. You would think she is going to see another man. Honestly, that’s how it feels like. She behaves as if her mother is her husband and I am her side man.
Sometimes she addresses me by my first name in front of her mother and her siblings. And I always feel disrespected when she does this. She discusses our marriage with them. Some of the things she tells them are things I consider intimate. I have told her countless times, “Honey, it is not everything about our marriage that you must discuss with your family. Some of the conversations you have with me under the noses of your family are not right.” Whenever I say this she gets defensive and asks me, “Why do you have a problem with my mother? What did she do to you?”
I don’t understand why she insists I don’t like her mother, considering that I spend more money looking after her family than I spend on my own family. I don’t dislike her mother or any member of her family. I just want her to stop treating me like I am inferior to them. Could you believe that whenever a gift from her mum’s family comes to our doorstep, she would ask me to go to them in person and thank them?
When I refuse to do it, she would get upset with me. I tell her, “We are husband and wife so there’s nothing wrong if you thank them on our behalf. They will know I am also saying thank you. I don’t need to go to them to say it for them to know that I’m grateful.” Am I wrong?
When my family and friends bring us gifts, I don’t ask her to go on a thank you tour because it doesn’t prove anything. I am the one who has a relationship with them so I just say, “My wife and I are grateful for your generous gifts,” and it ends there. Why can’t she do the same with her family? Why must she keep trying to make me feel like I have to work hard to get an equal seat at the table with her family? I am her husband. Doesn’t that count for anything?
I want to know if she is right or if she is going out of her to make me look small in her family’s eyes. Is it normal for my wife’s mother to interfere in every aspect of our marriage? Or I am the one who is overreacting?
—Dan