I’ve lost the thrill of my marriage. There are a lot of questions going through my mind as I write this. How far can a wife go to decide on things without consulting her husband? To the extent of aborting our child without telling me about it? It hurts my heart deeply. The heart that’s supposed to love my wife is now full of pain and uncertainty about this marriage.
My wife was my first girlfriend. Right from the beginning, I told her we were going to get married. She didn’t believe me. She called it a “man’s promise.” She didn’t believe in a man’s promise so she told me, “Until I wear my wedding gown, I won’t fall for this. Anything at all can happen. You’re a man. Men make a lot of promises only to fulfil a few of them.”
I didn’t know about sex when I met her. I was twenty-five and a virgin. I told her we should wait until marriage and she laughed at me. She said, “You can’t buy a cow and be afraid of milk. What’s the point?” We argued. I did it from a religious point of view but she was very logical about the whole argument. She was determined to finish me as soon as possible so I willingly gave in. Everything to please her.
She taught me where to touch and how to do a lot of things. She was happy I was a virgin because, in her mind, it gave her the opportunity to mould me to suit her preferences. There was nothing she said that I didn’t do. I became emotionally reliant on her after the whole show. Honestly, I loved her more each time we had sex. It’s like seeing a whole new world you didn’t know exist. You can only be thankful to the one who opened your eyes to that world.
A year later we talked about marriage. It was very easy because her family knew me and my family knew her too. My dad had a pet name for her. They were very tight. Even before we started talking about marriage, my dad kept asking me when I was going to marry her.
A month before our wedding, she called at dawn to tell me, “I’ve sent you a message, wake up and read it.” I opened my chat and saw a photo of a test kit with the message, “The lines are red. You know what that means, right?” I responded quickly, “You’re pregnant? At this moment? How?” She responded, “Let’s talk about it in the morning when we wake up. Go back to sleep.”
I couldn’t sleep. I lay awake thinking about all the possibilities. I Googled, “How long does it take for a baby bump to show?” The answer was “16-20 weeks.” I told myself, then we can have it. Our wedding is close, just nineteen days away. There’s nothing to fear.”
I went into the discussion with an entrenched position to have the child. She gave me reasons why we should not have it but rather try again after marriage. I gave her my reasons too. I relied heavily on when it will begin to show. She said, “How about the symptoms? Have you thought about that? What if I grow bigger? Definitely, my breast will begin to tell tales of pregnancy and everyone will notice it. My dress may not even fit.”
We had time to go for a refit. With the symptoms, I told her we would manage. She wasn’t happy but we drew the conclusion that I thought was good for the two of us. We were going to keep the baby and go through the wedding with innocent faces as if we hadn’t done anything.
On our honeymoon, I was excited. I kept saying, “See? We did it. It was flawless. No one could even notice it. We would have wasted a life for nothing if we followed what others would say.” She asked the question with this mischievous smile, “What are you talking about?” I answered, “I’m talking about the baby of course. What else is there to talk about?” She told me, “Oh the baby? I don’t have it. I had a miscarriage a few days after I told you about it.”
I smiled and said, “Liar! Stop joking. You know I won’t fall for this joke, right?” I was about to touch her belly when she said, “I’m not joking. I miscarried. I just didn’t want to bring you into another issue that’s why I didn’t tell you. I handled it with my senior sister. You can ask her.”
I knew she was serious from the way she talked. “Your senior sister is aware and I’m not aware until now? Nooo, you’re lying to me. I can’t believe that. When did that happen? I’ve seen you every day since we talked about the pregnancy so what are you talking about?”
I was not that naive to believe what she was telling me. I know what happened and it wasn’t a miscarriage. It was intentional. She didn’t want to keep it so she handled it while I was not looking.
It turned into a huge fight that night. I slept on the floor while she slept on the one-seater sofa. She slept while sitting down. Early the next morning, I packed my things and left the hotel. Our one-week honeymoon was cut short. It didn’t make sense. We were going to celebrate a successful wedding and the growth of a baby but what she told me left a bitter taste in my mouth so I left.
Her senior sister was the first person to call me when I left. She said, “Believe her. I was the only person she could call because no one knew she was pregnant. I didn’t know but she needed someone she could trust so she called me. I can take you to the hospital myself to meet the doctor who took care of her. I was there. I saw what happened. I told her to tell you but she said she didn’t want to invite you into another problem. She was protecting your feelings, please trust her.”
The mentioning of the doctor even made the case worse. It made me realize how far their machinations go. They planned everything to the letter knowing I would ask questions and even require to talk to the doctor who took care of her. I told her, “No need to go through all that. We don’t have the baby. That much is clear to me. It’s OK.”
We live together, me and my wife but the ghost of that child keeps haunting our marriage. I want her to tell the truth. She insists what she had told me is the truth. We are unable to bring a third party in because it’s a secret we both kept to ourselves. Bringing third parties in will expand the issue beyond the borders we are experiencing now. I’m also not able to forgive because I feel what I’ve been told is inadequate.
Our marriage is one month old. This is the stage they call flowery but our flowers wilted even before they could sprout. This is the moment we have to savour the aroma of our new marriage but we can’t do anything but talk about a child we never had, get angry and not talk for days.
I’ve thought about the worst-case scenario. I’ve thought expansively and asked myself questions. “What other things has she lied about?” How far can she go with a lie and make it look like the truth?” I don’t trust her. She’s keeping secrets and I know but it’s just a matter of time. I know the truth would come out one day and I’ll be ready to act on it.