Dear Auntie, I am a happily married woman. I love my husband. However, I struggle with sexual fantasies involving my exes. Sex with my exes seemed more fulfilling and exotic, almost primal. Sometimes to get those feelings out of my system I turn to porn and pleasure myself that way then those thoughts are gone.
However, there are times when I would like to act on these feelings. But, I don’t. I don’t ever want to act on them. But I feel racked with guilt and like I’m betraying my husband by having these thoughts. Help me. What do you suggest?
Advice:
I suggest going easy on yourself. Fantasies are not action, memories are not betrayal, feelings are not facts and we do not live in a Minorit y Report-style dystopia where you can be arrested for your innermost thoughts.
There can be a territorial and binary-driven rhetoric when it comes to thinking and talking about our exes, with too many people believing that once you get with someone new, you should never think about or have any feelings towards your exes, as if the current partner has a monopoly on your memories and experiences.
If you have spent a significant amount of time, emotional intimacy and/or sexual experiences with someone, however, these memories can, of course, be important and even formative. Thinking back on them is natural.
All too often when it comes to relationships (and even politics), we pretend that emotions are all-or-nothing, all-encompassing, permanent states, claiming that if we ever feel a flicker of longing, regret, guilt or affection, then these feelings must somehow crowd out any other reality and present some irrefutable truth.
So, if we experience even a moment of nostalgic affection for an ex, or a flash of regret about a life decision, or a flicker of desire for a person outside our relationship, we can panic ourselves into believing that this emotion must invalidate or overrule all the others and be evidence of how we “really” feel. Instead, we should acknowledge and even appreciate that as humans, we can and do experience a wide range of emotions about almost everything.
This one-dimensional, binary view of emotions can cause issues in relationships. It’s not healthy if people believe that their partners can’t still care about or think fondly of exes, viewing such thoughts as a betrayal or evidence that they aren’t invested in their current relationship. In fact, the ability to allow relationships to evolve and even end while still respecting everyone involved can be the sign of a secure and emotionally mature individual.