Dear Aunty Abena, I got married in 2012. I come from a very strict Christian family and adhere to Christian principles. I married my husband as a virgin at the age of 26 (I mention this because he later told me it would have been better if he had married a pr.stitute who could satisfy him in bed, rather than me, a virgin who knows nothing).
Throughout our marriage, I endured a lot of emotional abuse and blackmail. We have three children, and he never provided financial support, claiming he couldn’t secure any contracts. He dropped out of secondary school and works in building construction. I am a teacher and also have a successful shop at the school.
The main problem arose when he wanted me to transfer and join him in Accra. However, I refused because it would mean losing my shop and being unable to adequately care for our family with just my salary. I pleaded with him to allow me to visit on weekends and vacations until we could establish another source of income. I suggested various business ideas, but he dismissed them, claiming they weren’t suitable for a man. At one point, I even took a loan for a business he wanted to set up, but unfortunately, it collapsed within a year, and I had to repay the loan from my own salary.
Our three children have faced serious medical challenges since birth and have been in and out of the hospital numerous times. I have dedicated so much time and money to care for them, and when we lived in Accra, I wasn’t certain they would survive with our limited income. My husband would visit at most once a year and never come even when the children were in critical condition (thankfully, they stabilize after five years, by the grace of God).
There is much more I could share, but I’ll fast forward to last year. My husband visited and confessed that he had been sleeping around even before we got married, with multiple women, resulting in countless abortions. He also revealed that he had been using drugs. I was too preoccupied with caring for the family to notice. Our families got involved, and despite everything, I forgave him. However, in less than two months, he called to inform me that he had turned to idol worship and that we could only continue the marriage if I joined him in worshiping idols.
Currently, he is living in my father’s house in Accra, as there are no other family members to stay with. I requested my dad’s support to cut costs. Initially, I thought his behavior was due to a mental issue caused by drugs, so with the help of a family member, we took him to a rehab center and a mental hospital.
However, they found no abnormalities. After completing rehab, he maintained his stance, and thus, our marriage had to be dissolved. He still resides in my father’s house and has turned it into a base for drug use, living there with one of his women. I have lied to the children, telling them he is not in the country. Whenever I look at my kids, I can’t help but cry. It pains me to think that they will grow up without a father figure. Though I struggle financially, I know I will persevere with God’s help. However, I find it difficult to forgive myself for subjecting my children to this situation.
When asked if I had offended him in any way, he said no, except for my refusal to join him in his idol worship. I wonder if I am to blame for the problems we faced. Later on, while he was in rehab, I discovered that he owned land and had other small businesses that he put his family members in charge of. They only informed me because they assumed I already knew. It turns out he wasn’t financially handicapped as he claimed; he simply refused to support the family.
Many thoughts are running through my head, and I find myself contemplating the future. I have considered staying single forever and focusing solely on my children. However, my elder sister insists that I will be lonely once my kids grow up and leave. It raises the question: Do good men truly exist? I married this man after he shared his difficult upbringing with me, and I made a promise to give him peace and love. But instead, he has taken away my peace and shattered my love.
He pursued me for almost three years, even going as far as seeking help from others to convince me. I believed he loved me, only to be confronted with the reality of his actions and the impact they had on me and my children. If it weren’t for my faith in God, I might have chosen the easy way out. I have become an object of mockery, and it hurts deeply.
So, what should I do now? Under no circumstances will I ever go back to him, even if he changes his mind. I have no interest in pursuing new relationships or getting married again. However, a lingering concern remains: Is it true that children of single parents always face behavioral issues? I have single-handedly raised my children all these years, so why am I now worried about their uncertain future?
Apart from our families, nobody else is aware of the divorce, and people keep asking if I will be going away for the weekend. What should I do in this situation? I am desperate for help and guidance.
Here are a few words from Auntie Abena:
My dear, you have gone through so much pain and turmoil in your marriage. It takes immense strength and courage to endure what you have faced. You are not to blame for the problems in your marriage. You have done everything within your power to support your family, both emotionally and financially.
Now, as you navigate this new chapter of your life, it is important to prioritize your well-being and that of your children. Remember, you are not alone. Reach out to your support system, whether it be family, friends, or even professional counselors who can guide you through this difficult time.
Take time to heal and rediscover yourself. Focus on your own growth and the happiness of your children. It is true that children from single-parent households may face unique challenges, but with love, support, and a nurturing environment, they can thrive. Surround them with positive role models and provide them with the guidance and stability they need.
As for your worries about loneliness in the future, trust that there is a community waiting to embrace you. Engage in activities that bring you joy, pursue your passions, and build new connections. You are a strong, resilient woman, and you have so much to offer the world.
Lastly, never lose hope in the goodness of humanity. While your experience has left you skeptical, there are indeed good men out there. Focus on healing and rebuilding your life, and if the time is right, love may find its way back to you. But for now, give yourself the time and space to heal and grow.
Remember, you are not defined by the past or the actions of others. You have the power to shape your own destiny and create a beautiful future for yourself and your children. Stay strong, my dear, and know that Auntie Abena is here to support you every step of the way.