I binge-watched one of my favorite tiktokers, Daniel Poynter, yesterday and his comments section inspired this post.
His style is simple. He analyses other people’s posts with their partners and runs around entertaining us with a flag indicating whether the partner is exhibiting red or green flags.
Lately, there have been a lot of green flag posts on his timeline and I have to admit, I am rather enjoying seeing some positivity away from the narrative of “red flags in relationships” that we are used to.
What are Green Flags in Relationships?
First of all, love.
What is love?
Baby, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more! (I could not resist it).
Anyways, love.
It is a word tossed around in movies, songs, and everyday conversations, but what does it truly mean?
According to renowned psychologist Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love, love is a complex interplay of three main components: intimacy (emotional closeness), passion (physical and emotional intensity), and commitment (decision to stay together).
Finding a partner who scores high on all three is not easy, but that shouldn’t stop us from seeking out healthy, fulfilling relationships.
What are green flags?
Green flags are positive signs that indicate a strong foundation for lasting love.
A study by Gottman and Gottman published in the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy found that couples who displayed specific positive behaviors during conflict resolution were more likely to have happy and stable marriages.
Here is the psychology behind these green flags, that I hope will help anyone navigate the often-confusing world of modern dating and marriage.
1. Your Green Flag Partner is Your Biggest Cheerleader (Even When You Don’t Believe in Yourself)
“The greatest marriages are built on teamwork. A husband and wife working side by side, climbing the mountain together.” — F. Scott Fitzgerald
My friend, Anissa, was up for a promotion at work, but self-doubt creeped in, making her question her abilities. Her boyfriend at the time, now ex, told her that if she did not think she deserved it, why should any of her superiors. So, she said nothing at evaluation and missed out on the promotion.
A part of me understands where he was coming from, I guess. I wrote about that here.
The Psychology Behind Never Feeling Good Enough
And 9 definite ways to refocus your thinking and find the value in loving yourself
medium.com
That said, I also believe a green flag partner who truly supports you will be your biggest cheerleader, hyping you up and reminding you of your strengths. This unwavering belief, even when you doubt yourself, is a powerful sign.
When I applied for my current 9 to 5, competition was fierce. My anxieties were running wild, but my green flag partner (now husband) would not let me give up.
He spent hours helping me refine my CV, reminding me of all the reasons I was perfect for the role. Even when I was ready to throw in the towel, he pushed me to keep going. Thankfully, I landed the job, and it was all thanks to his unwavering support.
Psychologically, this behavior taps into the concept of self-efficacy, a person’s belief in their ability to succeed.
A supportive, green flag partner strengthens your self-efficacy by highlighting your strengths and encouraging you to take risks.
A 2013 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that spouses who expressed confidence in their partner’s abilities reported greater relationship satisfaction.
2. Your Green Flag Partner is a Master of Healthy Communication (Goodbye, Silly Mind Games)
“To be able to communicate honestly and openly is the foundation of a good relationship.” — Dalai Lama
Healthy communication is the bedrock of any strong relationship.
This means expressing your needs and feelings openly and actively listening to your partner. It also involves resolving conflicts constructively, focusing on solutions rather than blame.
Remember that ex who used the silent treatment as a punishment tactic? Yikes! Reminds me of my closet narcissist.
3 Glaring Signs That Your Partner Is A Closet Narcissist
There are raging red flags you should never ignore in a relationship no matter how much you love them.
medium.com
A green flag partner who respects you will avoid mind games and manipulative communication styles. They will be open to discussing tough topics and willing to compromise.
This focus on healthy communication aligns with the Gottman Institute’s research on “bids” for connection. A bid is any attempt to connect with your partner, whether it’s a playful touch, a question about their day, or a request for help.
Effective communication involves recognizing and responding positively to these bids, strengthening the emotional bond between partners.
3. Your Green Flag Partner Celebrates Your Individual Growth (Because You Are a Powerhouse!)
“A successful relationship requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” — Mignon McLaughlin
People evolve and change throughout their lives.
A green flag partner will not only encourage your personal growth but also celebrate your achievements, big or small. They will be happy when you take a new class, pursue a passion project, or land that promotion you have been working towards.
This is not about competition or needing constant validation.
It is about having a partner who sees you as a whole person and wants you to thrive. Think about it: wouldn’t you want someone who cheers you on as you reach your full potential?
This concept aligns with psychologist Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, which places self-actualization (the need for personal growth and fulfillment) at the top.
A green flag partner will support your self-actualization journey and help you develop a healthy sense of self-esteem which can create a deeper connection in your relationship.
4. Your Green Flag Partner is Your Safe Haven (A Place Where You Can Be Your Authentic Self)
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
Life throws curveballs. Sometimes, all you need is a safe space to unwind, be vulnerable, and express your true self — flaws and all.
A partner who creates this safe haven is a keeper and a definite green flag.
They will accept you for who you are, quirks and all, and provide a non-judgmental space to share your thoughts and feelings.
This goes beyond just tolerating your oddities.
The green flag partner actively creates a space where you feel comfortable being vulnerable. Imagine coming home after a tough day, and your partner offers a listening ear and a warm hug without judgment. That is the power of a safe haven relationship.
Psychologically, this concept aligns with attachment theory, which emphasizes the importance of secure attachments in romantic relationships.
Securely attached individuals feel comfortable relying on their partners for support and intimacy. A partner who creates a safe haven encourages a secure attachment style, leading to greater emotional well-being and relationship satisfaction, and is a definite green flag.
5. Your Green Flag Partner is Emotionally Intelligent and Tunes Into Your Emotions (Because Empathy is Awesome)
“Love is not about how many days, weeks or months you’ve been together, it’s all about how much you love each other every single day.” — Unknown.
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is all the rage these days, and for good reason.
It refers to a person’s ability to understand, use, and manage their own emotions in positive ways, as well as to perceive and influence the emotions of others. In simpler terms, it’s about empathy and effective communication.
A green flag partner with high EQ will be attuned to your emotional state.
They are able to sense when you are feeling down and offer support without you even having to say a word. They are also able to express their own emotions in a healthy way, avoiding outbursts or emotional manipulation.
This focus on emotional intelligence builds upon the Gottman Institute’s concept of emotional validation. Emotional validation involves acknowledging and accepting your partner’s emotions without judgment. A partner with high EQ is a green flag and excels at emotional validation, strengthening the emotional bond and deeper intimacy.
6. Your Green Flag Partner is a Champion of Your Boundaries (Because Respect in Healthy Relationships is Important)
“A relationship without boundaries is a recipe for disaster.” — Beverly Engel
Boundaries are essential in any healthy relationship.
They define what’s acceptable and unacceptable behavior, creating a sense of safety and respect. A partner who respects your boundaries will understand the importance of your personal space, time with friends and family, and even your need for some “me time.”
This doesn’t mean you will never disagree on boundaries.
Negotiation and compromise are key. But a green flag partner will be willing to have open conversations about boundaries and find solutions that work for both of you.
This concept aligns with the psychological concept of self-construal theory as elaborated in ScienceDirect, which suggests that people have different ways of defining themselves.
A partner who respects your boundaries, acknowledges and respects your independent self-concept promoting trust and respect, is a green flag.
7. Your Green Flag Partner Wants to Build a Meaningful Life Together With You
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” — Mignon McLaughlin
While the initial stages of a relationship are often filled with excitement and butterflies, a healthy relationship goes beyond just sparks.
A green flag partner will be someone you envision building a future with.
They will be supportive of your goals and dreams, and will be open to discussing things like finances, living arrangements, and even potential children (if that is on the table).
This does not mean you need to get engaged after three months.
But I think there should be a sense of shared goals and a willingness to navigate life’s challenges together.
This future-oriented thinking aligns with psychologist Arthur Aron’s self-expansion theory, which suggests that people are drawn to partners who help them grow and expand their sense of self.
I believe that a green flag partner will not want to waste your time, and will express if they want to build a future with you and have a desire to be part of your journey of self-discovery.
Final Thoughts
In my humble opinion, finding a healthy, fulfilling relationship takes time and effort. I think it is possible to increase chances of finding someone who truly cherishes you by becoming someone you cherish.
Basically, be who you want your partner to be because like attracts like.
I hope you find and enjoy your green flag partner that is an eternal source of support, encouragement, and happiness.
Do not settle for anything less!