A ttraction is called just that for a reason, it’s rooted in two people that are drawn to each other in a way that feels magnetic. It’s not always a conscious or deliberate event, as you’ve felt when you’ve said “I don’t know what it is about him/her, but…whew.”
Real attraction isn’t just about actions you take, things you say, or the way you look. Many times, particularly for women, it’s far more nuanced and complex…..CONTINUE READING
What is it that draws a woman to some men more than others?
A question that has puzzled men since…well…the first woman, probably.
I believe that one of the driving factors inattractionis actuallysafety.
What does it mean to feel safe with someone?
It means that you can trust them with your heart, your emotions, your innermost thoughts and feelings. It means that you can take the mask off and let them behind the curtain of who you truly are. You can bare not just your body, but your soul to this person.
That is how true love, true connection, true intimacy, and true bonds are formed. Without that level of safety, there willalwaysbe a hesitance, or a skepticism, or pieces of one’s soul kept hidden.
I believe that the more we as men can understand the wants and needs of the woman we love, the better we can show up for her in ways that make her feel safe and cared for.
Not justphysicallysafe (though that’s just as important), but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually safe.
Most men focus on the wrong things, though — sex, attraction, materialism, appearance — which, while fun, can never make someone feel truly safe in your presence.
That requires far more depth and emotional maturity.
Join me in this conversation as we explore both the big and the small, the obvious and the subtle, the intuitive and unexpected things that truly attractive men (regardless of what they look like), understand that makes them that way.
I recently had a private client send me a text and ask:
“James, we planned the date! But, there are gaps of time between our texts to each other…does this mean she’s losing interest?”
This is how I used to feel, too.
When I was younger and new to dating, I felt a sense of urgency around communication. I thought that if we weren’t talkingall the timeit meant that she was uninterested or, probably talking to someone else during those open spaces of time.
This is, obviously, an anxious and unrealistic approach to dating and love.
Over the years, I learned the importance of “the gaps.” We must have the confidence and self-worth to let go of the need to be in constant communication, and allow things to flow and develop as they will.
I believe a lot of men become overzealous when they meet someone new.
Listen, I get it! It’s exciting! It’s natural to want to spendall of your waking momentstalking to this person.
(Ahem, ladies, don’t act like you can’t relate…)
The truth is though, if someone (either manorwoman) feels smothered or suffocated in the relationship — at any stage — they’re more likely to be pushed away than to grow closer to you.
Remember guys, one of the easiest ways to lose a woman is to want her too badly.
If there’s one thing that (the right) women are repelled by, it’s arrogance.
Okay, there are many things, but arrogance is definitely one of them.
A lot of guys take the “confident man” image a little too far. They’re not quite sure where the line is drawn and quite often step right over it into the realm of arrogance.
They’re on dates trying to convince women of how great they are, what they’ve accomplished, who they know, and what they bring to the table.
Sure, dating is very much about projecting your value to a potential mate to make sure that they recognize it, but there is art in the finesse of doing so.
Remember that you attract what you project, so what you lead with is what will be the beacon of light to a potential mate.
“James, I only attract women who want my money!”
Okay, well, just how much did you flash that money on your dating profile, or at that party, or when you approach women?
This is very similar to women who use their appearance to get attention from men, and then complain that these same men don’t appreciate their personalities.
Let me say it again — you attract what you project.
If you want a woman who is genuine, caring, down to earth, and empathetic — then letting your quiet confidence speak through you in the form of kind and authentic treatment towards her is going to let her subconscious know that you might be worth learning more about.
Women have dealt with enough players in the past to see them coming a mile away — but that also means they can tell when you’re beinggenuinely authentic, too.
If you’re just faking these kind and caring qualities, she’ll see right through you.
The men who show up as their true selves though, are the ones women notice (in a good way).
“James, women just want these bad boy outlaw bikers! They don’t want a nice guy!”
Well, it is true that they don’t want a pushover, which is usually what “nice guy” is a code word for.
But, they also don’t want to be with an asshole, either, no matter what certain online communities want you to believe.
The reason why women are drawn to the “bad boy” in some stages of life is that guys like this are exciting, unpredictable, confident, and adventurous.
They are not, however, always marriage material.
I believe that when a woman becomes ready to find a serious and stable relationship, she “grows out of” the phase where she’s only looking for excitement and understands the qualities that are truly valuable in a life partner.
Men do the same thing as we learn and grow. We begin looking further and further beneath the surface as we grow to understand what really matters in life and love.
“James, are you saying good men are women’s 2nd choice?”
What I’m saying is that we are all ready for different things at different times in life, and sometimes we need to experience what we don’t want in order to get clear on what we do want.
We’ve all heard “the small things matter the most,” but why?
I think that some men reject this notion because they’re used to seeing grand romantic gestures win over the woman in the end.
Not often do we see the glorification of picking up the kids, getting that prescription when she’s too busy, leaving a love note, or “I miss you” texts.
But, the small things you do for someone lay the very foundation needed for a stable and solid relationship.
Anyone can do the big things. Anyone can go “all out” on Valentine’s Day, or a birthday, or anniversary.
Anyone can go to the store and get the latest “Hallmark” gift.
But not everyone will put in the time and effort to do that little bit extra on a random day when it’s not expected.
Those are the things that express love and affection without a reason or a holiday needed.
Not to mention that the little things build trust. If you don’t
do the little things, the big things will just say that “I’m doing this because I think I have to.”
Men tend to go into “problem solving” mode when they hear a challenge presented.
Many times, though, if a woman is venting to you about a challenge she’s having, all she wants you to do is sit, listen, and support her while she figures it out on her own.
Sure, if she asks for your input, by all means go ahead and give it — but more often than not, what she’s really saying is “I trust you enough to let you into these personal feelings and talking through them will help me find the solution, or just feel better about it.”
Guys who are always interjecting, undermining, or dare I say “mansplaining” at their first opportunity will repel her quicker than a vegan from a steakhouse.
A fundamental difference between men and women is (usually) that men need physical connection in order to feel emotionally closer.
Whereas women (usually) need emotional connectionfirst, and then will feel safer being physically intimate with you.
Let me repeat the disclaimer of usually.
Obviously, everyone is different.
Largely, though, I’ve found it true in my own personal experience and hearing from many female clients
over the years that the safer and more comfortable they feel, the more likely they are to build attraction to you.
Don’t get me wrong — I’m not talking about “friend zone” comfort where she only sees you as a platonic companion, but the comfort and safety that allow her to explore and to be her true self in your presence. That’s what allows someone real freedom to connect with you on all levels.
We all lead busy lives with countless obligations, and it can be overwhelming at times.
If it looks like she’s thinking through something, or is perturbed by something, or might be quieter than usual — it doesn’tautomaticallymean that it’s about something you did (or didn’t do).
I mean, itmightbe, but my point is that making these assumptions could be fostering concerns in your mind that needn’t be there.
That is why communication is so important from both of you, to make sure that you both understand when something is wrong, when you’ve done something bothersome, or when one of you is thinking through a dilemma that really has nothing to do with the other.
Automatically assuming that a mood is altered by one of your actions, though, isn’t helpful to anyone.
“You look so beautiful today.”
“I don’t feel beautiful.”
“I just said you look beautiful! Why don’t you feel it?”
I believe that all of us, deep down,
understand that we’re going to feel how we’re going to feel about ourselves no matter what anyone else says.
Men and women alike, know what they see in the mirror and know howtheyfeel about it.
Compliments from a loved one or even from strangers on the internet can give us a little boost, or a feeling of relief — but at the end of the day what’s most important is how we feel about ourselves when we’re by ourselves.
It’s not just about appearance, either. There may be struggles with impostor syndrome, or feeling criticized by a family member, or facing a challenge with a friend.
I am not in any way suggesting that women are insecure by default, nor that men are somehow free of these same insecurities.
What I am saying is that, man or woman, our insecurities live within us, and we must do the inner work onourselvesif we hope to eliminate them.
I believe a man worth his salt should always be expressing his affection, attraction, and love to the woman in his life — but he should also not minimize nor try to override how she’s feeling about herself in that moment.
Reassure, support, and hold space for those feelings.
Men put a lot of pressure on themselves to check all of the boxes when it comes to dating and romance.
I remember those feelings of insecurities and hear it a lot from male clients.
Believe me, I’m not saying a woman is going to be attracted to a man who fumbles over himself all the time and is constantly missing the mark…
But, I do believe that most just want to know that you’re willing to try. To plan the dates. To put the effort into your appearance. To remember the small details about her likes and dislikes. To show up when you say you will.
She’s not looking for perfection, she’s just looking for someone who takes the relationship seriously enough to do the work for it (and her).
It’s 2023,most single peopleare feeling jaded when it comes to dating.
Instead of getting discouraged, understand that this is anopportunityfor you.
How, you might ask?
If you really are the genuine and kindhearted guy that you say, then you’ve got an opportunity to show the woman you care about (through consistent and authentic action) that you are actually the real deal.
While she’s jaded, if she’s open to giving you a chance, it shows that she’s not completely closed off. Skepticism is okay, because once we can move past it and prove ourselves, the biggest skeptics often become the most loyal and committed.
It happens in all areas of life, salespeople will tell you that the client who was the most skeptical often became the most loyal and consistent…why is that?
It’s because they took their time making a decision, the weighed all of the options, the benefits, the risks, and slowly moved towards the light.
The choice was not made casually or impulsively — but deliberately and intentionally.
As a result, they arefully committed and certain.
They are “all in” on the decision, because the process of making said decision was an arduous one.
The same happens in relationships…when someone comes around and sees that you’re the real deal, you earn their trust (as they earn yours), and their commitment to you is unshakable after that.
Not to mention, neither of you should have to worry about infidelity, because hell, it tookforeverfor you to win them over! Nobody else is going to put in that work!
Now — don’t get me wrong — if she’s closed off, emotionally unavailable, or straight uptelling youthat she is not interested…you’re best off cutting your losses and moving on. Know when to hold’em, and when to fold’em.
Guys want a lot of stuff.
Cars, watches, tech gadgets, whatever.
I am thelast personto fault anyone for having material goals, I think they’re a nice symbol of hard work and dedication.
We all know, though, that material items don’t make us truly happy, and definitely not fulfilled.
They provide a rush of endorphins, give us a sense of “leveling up,” and then they sort of become…normal, after we’ve had them for awhile.
I believe that women inherently understand this more than men do.
A lot of guys flash “things” hoping to win women over, but as we discussed in point #2, that only attracts a…let’s say, “certain type” of woman.
A woman who is actually looking for a lifelong partner that she can connect with, grow with, and enjoy life with understands that the size of your heart is far more important than the size of your bank account.
“James, I knew it! It took you 12 points to admit women only want guys with money!”
Listen, there are a lot of ways to create stability in one’s life, but all of them require the maturity and mindset in order to do so.
You can’t create any level of stability if you’re frivolous, inconsistent, uncommitted, or unfocused.
When a woman sees a man who’s build a stable life for himself, she sees a stable person.
(At least, that’s what shehopesto be true).
She sees a man who can stand on his own and has the maturity and wherewithal to build a real foundation in his life.
Since she is doing the same (or already has), she has a far easier time considering you as a life partner and teammate than a man who’s still unsure of his path or purpose.
Now, don’t get me wrong — I am not saying you are unworthy of love if you’re still figuring your life out. It took mea long timeto figure out where I was going, where I wanted to set down my routes, and what I wanted my future to look like.
Did it mean I was unworthy of lovebeforeI figured it out? No.
Would I have been a good partner for someone during that phase of time? Also no.
We have to be honest about what we’re ready for, when we’re ready for it — and if a woman is ready for a serious adult commitment, she’s going to consider whether or not you are, too.
If she’s the type of woman who’s looking for a lifelong commitment and/or marriage, she’s likely mapped out what the next 50 or 60 years with you looks like in her mind. She might’ve even talked to her friends about it.
Now, of course — not everyone wants to get married, or have kids, in which case this point doesn’t apply to those particular people.
En masse, though, I believe that more often than not a visualization of what lies ahead is a popular consideration to make.
During these visualizations she’s trying to determine:
The point is this: While men more often than not live for the now, at least until we find someone we are serious about committing our lives to, women see the bigger picture and consider a wider variety of factors when choosing someone to spend their life with.
One of the big reasons people don’t get their needs met in a relationship is, well, they don’t express them.
If your partner doesn’t know what you want or need, how can they possibly give it to you?
While we can all struggle with expressing these needs, men are notorious for staying silent about their feelings. This can easily create a cycle where said feelings are not addressed, which then feels frustrating and lonely, which then magnifies the negative feelings, which don’t get expressed…rinse and repeat.
(Obviously, I understand this happens when men don’t meet women’s needs, either).
Women, though, are more likely to communicate their desires to men — and then it’s the man’s job to take action.
When women have no idea what men are thinking, they become a passenger along this emotional journey that they’re completely unaware is even happening.
I do believe that men are becoming more willing to express themselves as society evolves and we all understand that emotions are a universal human experience and are not gender based.
Still, it takes courage for all of us — men and women alike — to express our deepest thoughts and feelings to another person…
That, though, is what brings people together and creates strong, unshakable bonds in a relationship.
At the end of the day, I think this is really all that most of us want.
We don’t want to be seen, literally, for what we look like.
We don’t want to feel pressured to become someone else.
We don’t want to be compared to other people.
We don’t want to feel insecure or unstable in our relationships.
We don’t want to question or mistrust our partner (or ourselves).
We don’t want to feel taken for granted or undervalued.
We don’t want our efforts to go unnoticed.
What we really want is for someone to recognize and cherish all of the things that the wrong people took for granted.
To look below the surface and see the values we are proud of, the worldview we’ve cultivated — to respect and honor the beliefs that we hold.
Women have spent their entire lives with society telling them what to be, how to look, how to dress, and what they “should” be like in order to attract a potential mate.
Some women don’t even want a mate. They don’t even want kids, or to ever get married.
A woman who does want these things though, or evensomeof these things, wants them with a man who sees through all of the fog and loves her for who she truly is.
He sees her imperfections and still loves her.
He sees her during messy times and still loves her.
He hears how she’s frustrated with herself at times and still loves her.
We all experience ups and downs on the rollercoaster of life. Nobody is immune. No gender, no race, no religion, no orientation — it is a fundamental part of the human experience.
This, though, shouldnormalize the experience and help us all understand each other when both the ups and the downs happen, because weallgo through it.
When you can stay focused on the person that she is, the soul that she possesses, the authenticity she lives with, the heart that she loves with…
Everything else just becomes noise around her.
That’s when you become the guy that makes her realize why it never worked out with anyone else…..CONTINUE READING